Singalong to I want a hippopotamus for Christmas!

On this page: see Bert! (list of the episodes to watch out for); little known facts; Why the fans love Bert; Bert's song (I'm Burlington Bertie);

Episodes Bert appears in:

• "Twilight"
• "Ravenous"
• "Untouchable"
• "Shalom"
• "Singled Out"
• "Cover Story"
• "Angel of Death"
• "Bloodbath"

(add to the list if you know anymore!)

Little known facts:

• He makes farting noises when on TV. He doesn't make farting noises in real life: the noises are added in during the post-production editing process (information source: the FAQ sheet that NCIS's audience-liaison team sends out).
• Abby owns him but the propmaster bought him at the tourist shop at a zoo in California.
• Bert is a Folkmanis Puppet. It is 20 inches long and has a workable mouth. It has a pink mouth with two big teeth inside and pink ears. This puppet is discontinued. (Source: Folkmanis Puppets)

Why the fans love Bert:

1. No one, not even Gibbs, can be stiff necked in the presence of Bert.
2. Mrs Mallard adores him and we all love Mrs Mallard.
3. He comforts Abby in her times of sore affliction, after which she promptly reverts back to super scientist mode, able to do the work of 20 forensic scientists in the space of 20 seconds, finding crucial clues and earning a peck on the cheek from Gibbs, leaving her and the audience with a rosy glow (or a hot flush, dependent on one's age) and thus Bert is a catalyst for major dramatic development in the show, on such occasions as he graces the show with his furry presence.
4. Bert is an excellent pillow, which has permitted bedroom scenes (of an innocent nature) on the floor of Abby's lab, thus making the workspace into a family home.
5. Bert provides Tony with opportunities to be shocked by someone else's behaviour instead of always being the one who shocks everyone else with his outrageousness. That Bert can out-outrage Tony is an achievement.
6. Bert rhymes with disconcert. Bert disconcerts visitors to Abby's lab.
7. All the fur animal fetishists who watched that famous episode on CSI can get a furry fix (of an innocent nature) on NCIS, thus improving the ratings (because CSI would have us believe the world is awash with fur animal fetishists).
8. The juxtaposition of Goth scientist with stuffed animal enthusiast is so delicious that we always want more.
9. That anyone can write a scene that gets Leroy Jethro Gibbs in the same room as a stuffed hippo that farts AND not jump the shark is a tribute to the sterling work of the writers on this show.
10. Bert makes a passive contribution to the health education of the American nation and the rest of the world, by allowing Abby to demonstrate the technique for CPR (cardio pulmonary resuscitation) with sound effects that make viewing such educational material compelling. Not only did the viewers see a demonstration of the technique, they were reminded that they ought to re-train in CPR every few years to ensure that they actually know how to do it. Thus we can call Bert an educator and a lifesaver. Admittedly, Bert was joined by a mop, tubular plastic and a photo of Tony in this noble work, but he most definitely stole the show in that scene.

What Bert sings to himself when not taking centre stage of the show:
Bert's favourite song is "Burlington Bertie from Bow" which was a music hall (burlesque) favourite, written in 1900 for the London stage (Burlington Bertie is a tramp who lives in the not-posh area of London called "Bow" (as in "bow-tie" not "bow down")). Bert the Hippo learnt it when he was a baby hippo, from his mother who was cruelly killed by trophy-hunters, whereafter he was rescued from peril by Abby and nurtured to become her laboratory confidante (or at least that is what she told him: so depressing to be told you were born in a toy factory).

BERT, BERT THE FLIRTY HIPPO
BERTIE, THE STAR OF THE SHOW
Prelude
I'm Bert
P'raps you've heard of me
Bert
You've had word of me,
Plodding along
Happy and strong
Giving out farts debonnaire

I dress up in fashion
And when I am feeling depressed
I shave from my cuff
all the whiskers and fluff
Stick my hat on
and cuddle up to Ab's chest

Main verse:
I'm Abby's Dear Bertie
I rise at ten thirty
Then laze all the day like a toff
I walk through her lab with my gloves on my hand
Then I walk round again with them off
I'm all airs and graces,
only gas fills my spaces
(So long without food,
I've forgot where my face is)
I'm Bert, Bert, I haven't a shirt
But my people are well off you know.
Nearly everyone knows me from Maine to Zimbabwe,
I'm Abby's dear Bertie, you know

I smile Condescendingly
While they're extending me
Cheer upon cheer When I appear
I comfort the Gibbs team
(My farts make the show seem
Less like a cop-show: more like farce.
They're hard to produce, but in sounding so rude
You know I am "top of the class")
I'm Bert, Bert, I know how to flirt
(And made Mrs Mallard fall in love).
I make a nice pillow (that gives extra thrill-o),
I'm Abby's Bert, "star of the show"!
here